Jack Bauer Facts

1. Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.

2. The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

3. Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.

4. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

5. Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

6. If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

7. Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out
who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

8. If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.

9. Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

10. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

11. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

12. There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

13. American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.

14. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

15. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and got it back.

16. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

17. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

18. The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

19. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

20. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's fucking beef.

21. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

22. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

23. Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

24. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

25. A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.

26. It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

27. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

28. On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

29. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

30. Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."

31. In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.

32. Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

33. Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's fucking Jack Bauer.

34. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

35. Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

36. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

37. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

38. Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

39. Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.

40. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.

41. Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.

42. In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

43. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

44. The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.

45. When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."

46. Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

47. Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

48. Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

49. Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

50. When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.

51. Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.

52. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

53. Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

54. Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Jack Bauer; he never leaves a job unfinished.

55. In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?

56. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

57. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."

58. When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

59. You know Jack Bauer loves Audrey when he willingly gives up the opportunity to torture her.

60. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

61. In high school Jack Bauer was voted "Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid"... and "Best Eyes."

62. There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

63. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.

64. Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

65. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.

66. Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."

67. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

68. If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

69. Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.

70. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.

71. When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

72. There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. They are all Jack Bauer.

73. "Jack Bauer" is Arabic for "I'm fucked".

74. The answer is Jack Bauer, the question doesn't matter.

75. Jack Bauer was able to eliminate Bird Flu playing Duck Hunt.

76. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

77. Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

78. Quetin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.

79. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

80. Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never fucks up.

81. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

82. Your attraction to Jack Bauer in no way affects your sexual orientation.

83. Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

84. Jack Bauer once went into a bar, and asked for a 'Jack Bauer'. He received three shots of Jack Daniel's, a shot of kerosene and four shots of tequila mixed. When seeing this, another man approached the bar and asked for a Jack Bauer. He got a 9mm round to the face.

85. Anything is a weapon of mass destruction in the hands of Jack Bauer.

86. Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

87.When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

88. Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

89. Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.

90. G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

91. If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

92. Jack Bauer can leave a message before the beep.

93. The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.

94. Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer, they just get stuff out of his way.

95. Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

96. It is a known fact that when Time magazine awards "The Man of Year*", there is fine print on the bottom of the cover that says, " *besides Jack Bauer."

97. What color is Jack Bauer's blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

98. A fist fight with Jack Bauer is more commonly known as a gunfight.

99. Jack Bauer uses #1 pencils on standardized tests.... Jack Bauer doesn't associate with anything that is #2.

100. Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.



CHECK OUT the Jack Bauer Kill Count.


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